Sharney Barntarn, Columnist

10/02/2004

They're After Me ...

by Sharney Barntarn, briancurran.net Sports/Political Analyst and Welfare-Line Obstructionist

Looks like baseball's best losers are at it again.  Blaming anything and anyone but themselves for their shortcomings.  After the Cubs' 3-2 loss to the Mets last week - a loss that sent them spiraling into "wait till next year" - outfielder Alou pinned the defeat on home plate umpire Bill Miller. He was also perceptive enough to point out that a bunch of Major League Baseball umpires are conspiring against him. 

"Some of them are after me," Moises said. "I'm going to have to do something about it."

This would be expected from a guy who blamed last year's pathetic playoff failure on Steve Bartman.  Hey Moises, what are you going to do about it?  I guess we'll have to "wait till next year" to find out.

In more news related to idiots, Sammy Sosa was close to tears last week after being criticized for being thrown out at second after doing his patented homer hop after a hit that didn't make it out of the ballpark.  Luckily for Sosa, the Cubs ended up winning the game against the Pirates 5-4 in 10 innings; if they had lost that hop may have cost them the playoffs.

But could Sosa admit he made a mistake?  He claimed that singling out this incident was an example of media bias against him.  He also cried that critics never acknowledge when he makes good plays in right.  When asked the next day if he wouldn't be better served by not continuing to use the homer hop, Sosa said that it was his "signature move" and that he would never consider dropping it from his routine. 

Sharney Barntarn has also learned that from now Sosa will walk to the plate to theme music and massive pyrotechnics.  He will also have a microphone when walking up for his first plate appearance, with which he will proclaim "Finally, Sammy has come back to (insert city here)!"  Then he will proceed to berate the players and fans from the opposing team.  Oh, and a new "signature move" - when he hits a homerun, he will deliver a stone-cold stunner to the umpire after he touches the plate.  If ya' smell what the ...  is cooking.

08/14/2004

Are Detroit Sports Fans Really That Bad?

by Sharney Barntarn, briancurran.net Sports/Political Analyst and Homeless Bum on Woodward.

Who are the best fans in sports?  Year in and year out I hear the same answers: Cubs fans.  "No matter how horrible they are, they still sell out every game, and most are during the day when people are supposed to be at work."

Man do I wish those people worked for me ... in the off-season, that is.  What better situation could a boss have than a bunch of loyalists who repeatedly show their wide-spread acceptance of mediocrity on a perpetual basis.  I wouldn't have to spend money to keep the workers.  No raises?  No worries.  Better luck next year.

Does it make you a bad fan when you stand up and walk out on a loser?  Isn't it true that not buying a ticket to the next game is the only way a fan has of saying, "We won't stand for this crap!  Either spend a little of your money to put a winner on the field, or don't expect us to pay these insulting ticket prices."

Personally, I wouldn't keep paying the same price for a double-cheeseburger at Burger King if they took one of the flame-grilled charbroiled all-beef patties away.  I would turn my back on that double-cheeseburger.  That doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to run right to McDonald's to get their version of the double-cheeseburger.  I never liked it before ... why would I now?  Besides, I'm pretty sure that McD's doesn't know what a flame-grilled all-beef patty is. 

Maybe I'll have tacos instead.  When Burger King starts wondering why nobody is buying the double-cheeseburger anymore, they'll figure it out and put that other all-beef patty right back where it belongs.  I'll be back then ... oh yes. 

If you work 40 or more hours a week and you repeatedly take five hours of your day off driving down to the ballpark, watching your team lose, then driving home having spent a nice wad of your hard-earned money, I would think that would make you an idiot with too much time and money on your hands.  You can never get those hours back.  If you are retired and wealthy, this may not apply to you.

Maybe Cubs fans are the most loyal fans in baseball; but maybe Tigers fans are the smartest.  So if you're a Red Wings fans, don't feel bad about standing up and booing when the Wings go down 0-2 in the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs.  Lions fans, don't feel bad about throwing things on to the field for no reason.  Pistons fans, keep on going to work as long as you gettin' paid. 

The point that I'm trying to make is this: If Comerica were the Home of the Whopper, I'd go see the Tigers.

Got a problem with what Sharney Barntarn thinks?  Let him know using the form at the bottom of the page.

10/16/2003

No More Loveable...Just Losers

by Sharney Barntarn, briancurran.net Political Analyst and Bears, Bulls, and Cubs hater.

The true colors of the Cubs fans shined through on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Blaming a fan's interference with an out-of-play foul ball on the eight-runs in two-thirds of an inning collapse on Tuesday night.  It brought out the south-sider hidden in all of the north-siders.  Pelting the fan with beers and death threats.  The guy couldn't go back to work, he had to disconnect his phone, and his parents' house was surrounded by news crews in trucks and helicopters.  And why?  All because the Laughable Losers gave up eight runs in the eight inning, blowing the game, and needing a scapegoat for their pathetic performance.  If you ask me Alex Gonzalez should be the one beers are dumped on.  Alex Gonzalez should be run out of town if that's what we do to people who make one mistake.

Dusty Baker had the chance to exonerate the poor guy after the game, but instead called him a "Marlins fan".  Dusty has the arrogance to blame the fan instead of himself for not making a pitcher change.  He must have figured that since Mark Prior was white, it was okay to keep him in there due to the temperature being below 80 degrees (or maybe he was too busy babysitting the kid).  "Must have been a Marlin fan".  Well one thing's for sure: After the most despicable and pathetic excuse for an excuse that repeatedly came out of the mouths of jaded Cubs fans all Wednesday long, there were a hell of a lot more Marlin fans around the country for game seven.  LET THE CURSE CONTINUE!

10/08/2003

Hail the Gover-nator of Cal-e-forn-yah

by Sharney Barntarn, briancurran.net Political Analyst and animal meat lover

A few things worth noting were heard last night from the mouth of a liberal talk-show host.  I was too lazy to call in my responses, but here is what I might have said:

1. "Do you think that the ability of the people to recall a governor is a good thing?"

My response: Are you kidding?

2. "Do you really want to have the power to recall an elected official that you voted to put in office?"

My response: Are you kidding?

3. "Now talks of recalls are going to start popping up all over the country like a disease.  Some areas are already seriously considering a recall on their mayors."

My response: Considering it's one of the great examples of the people of a state exercising their right to democracy; considering the way some politicians look good before the election but turn out to be dirty sons'o'bitches when they get in office; and considering that it's probably not a good idea to let a guy whose been f'ing up the whole state for a few years keep f'ing the whole state ... I'd saying the whole things a pretty f'ing good idea.  It's just too bad that you dirty l@#%rals would rather slime your way into office, cause a complete economic disaster, and then try to keep your power after you jilted the people that voted you in but don't want you anymore.  Do we really want to have the power to recall a government that screwed us over?  You damn right mofo!

10/02/2003

Rush did What to the Who now?   

by Sharney Barntarn, briancurran.net Political Analyst and fun guy to drink with

Rush who, what, huh?
He's a good old boy, upper-class, fat, white racist American
who does what he can to keep the lower-class and minorities down so he and his good old
boy, upper-class, fat, white, racist American friends can stay rich and on top. Ain't
that right? Of course it is, right? I mean, I get all my information from CNN - a very
reliable and unbiased source - and I've been led to believe that he is a bad, bad, man.
They even told me so! So did my friend who watches C-Span on a solar-powered TV while
eating soy-filled burritos.

Besides all that stuff he's also America's highest-rated radio talk show host. This must
be because so many people need to listen so that they can keep close watch on his evil
right-sided plan to keep poor people poor and to keep minorities minor. One would hate
to believe that people listened because opinions and ideas were something other than
just right-wing propaganda. But why bother listening then? If people want intelligent,
well thought out opinions, they can just turn on CNN, C-span, or the Emmys, right?
Maybe read the New York Times, the Washington Post, or George Clooney's diary?

I personally find it appalling that someone with so many listeners dares to constantly
practice the first amendment so publicly. He proceeds to continuously berate people
for their foolishness. He demands that people take responsibility for their own lives
and stop seeking special treatment and handouts based on social status, race, and plain
old social beliefs (e.g., I personally would like more funding to study the effect of my
breathing on the cleanliness of the air in my apartment. The money could pay for my
food, rent, and automobile; and of course some of it would go to help the study.).

Now what'd he do?
He gets hired by ESPN and starts to give his one-sided opinions on who
is going to win football games. There is little doubt that ESPN hired him due to his
up-front no b.s. (controversial to some) attitude. They must have figured that
everyone who hates him enough to listen to his radio show everyday would tune in on
Sunday morning to hate him on ESPN, too. Bottom line: ESPN knew exactly what they
were getting and decided that was what they wanted.

But what'd he do?
He be'd a white man that said the word "black" on TV. Plain and simple. Was what he
said true or not? Who cares? It's just an opinion. An expression of free speech in
America. The First Amendment.

Why's it such a big deal then?
Well, why are there no more shows on TV like "All in the Family", but there are plenty of
Whoopi and Wanda Sykes shows on? In 2003, black people can berate and make fun of

their own and other races publicly and without recourse through various forms of media and

racially-loaded comments (Shaq, Iverson, Barkley, Rodman, Tyson, need we go further here?).

In 2003, white people can't say "black" without Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson hopping in a private
jet to start a movement.

What's the point?
This my friends, is how "Will & Grace" came to be. Thanks and goodnight.

*****The opinions in this column do not necessarily represent the opinions of briancurran.net, Cornelius,

Dave, Marmajerk, or even Sharney Barntarn for that matter (but Cornelius would like to make it clear

that he does believe that the man is keeping him down).  It is just pure unresearched opinion taken from

a random point of view at any given moment.  It is the essence of Sharney Barntarn, former president and

CEO of Sharney Industries.  He also worked as a garbage man.  But that was when he was a lot younger

a few years ago.  He likes fantasy sports leagues.*****

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